After the soul-crushing disaster that was Marcus, my psyche needed a month or so to repair itself. When I decided that my skin was thick enough to again dip my feet into the online dating pool, I went out of my way to make sure that my first candidate was going to be nice and safe with only a slight chance of being a total jerk. Chuck, a single dad that was a little older than me and from the Midwest, seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t do mean things like surprise me with emails itemizing everything that was wrong with me. Chuck did end up giving me what is perhaps the biggest surprise in my online dating career but he was really, really nice about it.

The first email that I got from Chuck was very funny, harmless and kind. He worked in a management position for the largest technology company in Seattle and lived in one of the outlying suburbs. He had a 9 year-old son from a previous marriage that had ended over five years ago. He was tall, fairly cute and could put together complete and pretty entertaining emails. And he seemed really nice. I didn’t sense one bit of sarcasm or mean-spiritedness, which, after the caustic Marcus, seemed like a pleasant change of pace. Safe, I was going to be safe, so I agreed to a meeting at a local wine bar with Chuck for the following week.

Chuck was waiting at the bar when I arrived and my first impression was that he was really, really not my idea of handsome. He was…pleasant looking but just pretty much the opposite of what I normally found attractive. My judgment had proved to be lacking, though, recently so I sat down and decided to give Chuck a fair shake.

He was pleasant, really pleasant and kind of really, really boring. The conversation struggled pretty badly at first but, if there is one thing that internet dating has given me, it is the skill to be able to talk to people that bear striking resemblances to rocks. Chuck did open up and, as he let loose and started to joke around, I found myself liking him more. It could have had something to do with the wine we were consuming but, when Chuck asked if he could pick me up that weekend and take me to dinner, I didn’t find myself thinking it was such a horrible idea. I can’t say that he was wowing me exactly but I didn’t think seeing him again would be torture, either. With that ringing endorsement, the date was set.

Chuck looked pretty nice when he arrived at the front door of my condo but, in a once again sober state, I was now really quite confident that I did not find him attractive, not even the littlest bit. Crap, crap, crap. Was it too late to change our dinner plans? Yes, it was. I vowed I could make it through an Italian dinner with a nice guy even if it killed me. We had a pleasant dinner and the conversation was fine but it was like we were just friends or acquaintances – there seemed to be absolutely no spark between us and I kind of got the feeling that Chuck felt the exact same way. That is why I was surprised and shocked when, as he drove me home, he asked if he could come in my place for one more glass of wine. He had an extra bottle in his back seat and everything.

It says something about Chuck that I was absolutely not at all threatened or nervous about letting him into my condo. My fear was not that he was going to chop me into pieces but rather that he was going to try a romantic play which was absolutely not something I was interested in. I was truthfully kind of surprised that he was even interested in making a move. He seemed about as excited about me as I was about him. But what was I supposed to say? He had just bought me dinner, he was as scary as toast and one more glass of wine would be fine before I sent him on his way, this time for good.

We got into my condo and I pulled out some glasses and found the wine opener for Chuck. He started to open the bottle and I excused myself to use the restroom. When I returned, I headed into the kitchen and Chuck was gone. My place was tiny so, if he wasn’t there and he hadn’t just up and darted out of the condo altogether, the only other place he could be was in the bedroom. Oh, no. Oh, NO! I went into the bedroom and, yep, I had found him. Chuck was posed on my bed, completely buck naked, and holding his glass of Cabernet. “You told me to make myself comfortable, Kate, and well, I did.” It looked like I really was going to need another glass of wine.

I was so shocked that I had a hard time not showing it on my face and Chuck quickly realized the error of his ways. Even though this guy was quite possibly breaking all kinds of rules of dating etiquette – we had not even kissed! – I felt really, really bad for him. He had put himself out there, so to speak, and that took a lot of courage. But, sympathy aside, sharing a glass of wine with someone you are not interested in is one thing but it is *quite* another if they don’t have any clothes on, even if they are incredibly nice. It was time to put an end to this evening. I am a kind and polite girl but I am not that kind and polite.

Chuck recovered quite well, actually, and, after he put back on all of his clothes, we finished our glasses of wine, in the *kitchen*. I can’t say it was the most comfortable of times but it wasn’t awful, either. Chuck did have some skills and personality after all. He corked up his bottle, I walked him out to his car, he gave me an awkward hug and off he went. As he drove away I couldn’t help but laugh. Half an hour ago that guy had been naked on my BED! What the hell? How did this stuff happen to me? Even though things had ended a bit, uh, abruptly, Chuck had surprisingly restored my faith in online dating. Guys sending me rude and awful emails or lounging in their birthday suit in my condo? No problem. I could handle that. This was as bad as it could get, right? This had to be the bottom of the dating barrel, right? Right???

Published in: Uncategorized on March 11, 2011 at 3:43 am  Comments (16)  

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16 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This guy obviously has problems interacting with other people or has problems reading people.

    Human interaction during dating is a complicated “dance” where you observe and interpret cues and react accordingly.

    In our normal and polite society, the cues will have to be overwhelming positive in order to strip and throw oneself naked on to the bed.

    IMHO, such cues from the female would have to consist of exceedingly lascivious behavior including but not limited to:
    1) A lot of winking and nodding
    2) Licking or smacking of lips
    3) Hands down my pants or other parts of my body
    4) Removing all or parts of her garments
    5) Saying “Get on my bed naked”
    6) A gun and “This is a robbery”

    Also, IMHO the above behavior is not considered normal in North American females on the first date outside of movies, escort services (so I’ve heard), drunken frat parties, fantasies, or extreme inebriation.

    Therefore IHMO, Kate, you have now entered the dating Twilight Zone.

  2. Ick!
    I’d have washed out all the bedding if some idiot lolled about naked on my bed.
    I’m surprised any man would attempt that,
    it’s sickness.
    Deep deep sickness.

  3. “It says something about Chuck that I was absolutely not at all threatened or nervous about letting him into my condo.”

    Actually, that says something about YOU. He was a STRANGER that you met on the internet and had a drink with, ONCE….and you let him into your condo?! Not trying to judge = just trying to show you how overly trusting you are. You are putting yourself in unsafe positions and you dont realize it. Read about “boundaries” and please be more careful! (No, this is not your mother. Just another former online-dater who is worrying about you 🙂

  4. He pulled the Naked Man from How I Met Your Mother! Wow! Supposedly it works 2 out of 3 times!

  5. fiction.

    it’s an episode of How I Met Your MOther: The Naked Man ploy….

    Kate, I was with you up till now, but ripping off a sitcom? c’mon, you’re better than that….

    oh, maybe not….

  6. I have never seen one episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ so I assure you I didn’t rip them off. Now, my date, I cannot speak for him…

  7. Whatsa matter? Can’t I write naked without being removed?

  8. Um, take it from an old lady who lived through the free-wheeling 60’s and 70’s without catching an STD or being raped. You don’t let a man pick you up at your home, you don’t let him drop you off at your home, and you don’t invite him into your home until you’ve had more than a couple of meetings. Bad pennies do turn up again.

  9. ok my apologies, kate…..

    perhaps HE saw the episode and bought into it’s prediction of success (2 of 3 tries)…somewhere out there, he’s made it work 2 other times….

    you should check out the first couple years of HIMYM…..


  10. I sometimes wonder if you chose the most loony people to write about. (For disclosure purposes, I wrote to you, but you never looked at my profile, much less even gave a “thanks, but no thanks” canned response.)

    I have no delusions of self-grandeur, but it seems like at worst, I would have been written up as a “nice guy, no chemistry”. Isn’t that what most first dates are like (internet and otherwise)?

  11. It’s interesting that commenters are always looking for what you did wrong in the scenario.

  12. So let me ask you some general questions about Let’s say you wink or e-mail a woman. If she’s not interested, fine, I can accept that. I think that the old “iggy” is hint enough for me. I frankly would rather a woman give me the “iggy” than the “polite no thank you.” I wonder how women feel about this very same thing when they send out winks or e-mails to men, or what other men think.

  13. I have some stories about Match. One woman winked at me, I wrote back, we went back and forth a few times, and she had a “change of heart.” I can accept that. Here’s where I saw the “writing on the wall:” Between me writing to her and her writing me back, there were times where she did NOT write, but was “online now.” She shouldn’t put all of her eggs into one basket of course, but that was very telling, and when she broke it off, it wasn’t shocking to me.

    Also, in a way, if I send a woman a wink or e-mail and she does the “iggy” as I prefer, I kind of wish she would “block me from viewing her profile,” because I send so many, I know that one of these days, I’m going to wink or e-mail a woman TWICE, and that’s going to freak her out.

  14. What am I to make of a woman who sends me a wink, but she has only ONE photo, and a lot of her preferences are “no preference” or “no answer,” and just too ambiguous?

  15. Yes, he definitely gets his dating tips from “How I Met Your Mother”. They claim the naked man trick works 2 out of 3 times (ya, right). Either the girl is repulsed by it or she thinks it’s hilarious (ya, right).

  16. From now on, I’m gonna try and sum up Kate’s date experience in 5 words or less so you won’t have to read through all that stuff, kind of a condensed Cliff notes. This one is easy:

    Chuck – Buck Naked On Bed. Next!

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