Gregg

The first thing I noticed about Gregg’s profile is that he actually appeared to be a girl. Or, at least, in his main picture, Gregg was wearing a skirt. I thought maybe Match had gotten confused about whether I liked men or women but, when I investigated further, Gregg was just wearing a kilt, or as he informed me when I emailed him to ask about it, an Utilikilt. This was new territory for me! And he wasn’t even Scottish! Very intriguing. Gregg’s profile also mentioned that he had recently moved to Seattle from Texas where had grown up and gone to college. A guy that was comfortable wearing a skirt that hailed from one of the most conservative states in the country? I definitely had to find out more about this guy.

Gregg and I only emailed back and forth a couple of times before we met but I was impressed all over the place. He was witty, funny, seemed to be incredibly smart and he was “in grad school”. Gregg didn’t clarify his schooling situation, which I thought a bit…odd but it was the only red flag among lots of very cool traits. Gregg asked me to meet him for a drink and I was very excited to take him up on the offer. We chose a bar, picked a time and we were on.

I got a text message from Gregg as I pulled into the parking lot telling me that he was there, waiting in the bar. I walked in the door and looked for him and, uhhh…, he wasn’t there. I took another look and, nope, there wasn’t anyone around that looked like my date. I was standing there, looking confused, about to text Gregg, when the guy in the corner started waving me down. THAT was Gregg? Holy crap. He looked absolutely nothing like his photos. He had gained probably 75 pounds, hadn’t cut his hair in probably a year and had also decided, apparently, to quit shaving. I was on a date with one of the members of ZZ Top! Sweet!

Even though I knew right away that Gregg was not what I considered physically attractive, he was such a cool guy, from his emails, that I still wanted to have a drink with the guy. It soon became very, very clear, though, that Gregg had not only seriously misrepresented what he looked like but also how cool he was. He was one of the most self-possessed guys I had ever met. We hadn’t even made it through our first drink before I heard the story of Gregg moving to Seattle, his five top bands of all time, his favorite college football team, why he had decided to go back to college and how he didn’t really mind that he was back living with his parents even though he was almost 40. Another round of drinks, please!

Several times during Gregg’s monologue I tried to interject, make a comment, or otherwise pretend that we are having a conversation but he talked right over me. It was almost unbelievable. I would start to say something and he would immediately just resume his diatribe. It was like I was not even there. He had some interesting things to say but I didn’t think it was too much to ask to, you know, be able to utter more than two words. I thought maybe he would wind down eventually and notice that I was there but, after two drinks, I hadn’t said more than two sentences. I was done fishing – it was time to cut bait and get out of there.

Gregg paused for five seconds and I took the opportunity to wave down our waitress. As she started to walk over, Gregg said, “Oh, thanks for getting her. Their second happy hour starts at 10 p.m. and I am dying, absolutely dying, for some macaroni and cheese. It is only $2! I can get two orders!” I just looked at him and shook my head. It was a work night, I had already endured two hours with this gas bag and he was now deciding to keep me hostage for at least another hour? No, no. I didn’t think so. I explained that, wow, sorry, it was kind of late and I really had to be going. I put down a $20 and stood up.

Gregg barely even looked at me as I got ready to go and, when I offered my hand to him so we could at least have a handshake goodbye, he looked at it for at least ten seconds before he shook it back. This guy was just wowing me with his social skills. Really, they were amazing. By this time the coveted macaroni and cheese had arrived and he barely even looked up from shoveling it in his mouth to say goodbye to me.

I got an email from Gregg two days later asking if I would be interested in going to a movie with him that weekend. I almost answered that I would if he could come up with even one unique detail about me from our first meeting. I wanted proof that he actually even remembered who I was. What was he doing going out on dates? Was he just looking for a warm body to talk to? As far as I could tell he was just doing his best to give online dating a really horrible reputation. An ‘A’ for effort in that department, Gregg, an ‘A’ for effort.

Advertisements
Published in: Uncategorized on January 24, 2011 at 1:29 am  Comments (4)  

Jonathon

After fending off the aging Cassanova Wild John and the schizophrenic Johnny, the last thing I was even remotely interested in was a guy whose name started with a ‘J’. It just did not seem to be working out for me. It was clearly time for another letter of the alphabet for my dating pool.  Wouldn’t luck have it, then, that I soon got an email from Jonathon and, dang it, he was pretty attractive.  Some rules seemed to be made to be broken.

Jonathon had a shaved head, wrote fun, non-cookie-cutter-type emails, was a Seattle native and I was just impressed with his…vibe. We wrote a few messages back and forth and, just for kicks, I asked him if he would be up for meeting for a drink sometime. I usually wait for a guy to ask me out, another one of those strange, antiquated dating rules that most people seem to go by, but I was by no means opposed to being the instigator and, well, Jonathon was kind of floating my boat. I wanted to see if he was as fetching in person.

I sent the email inviting Jonathon out for a drink late morning on a Monday and, when I hadn’t heard anything back from him by Tuesday afternoon, I figured I had officially been dissed. Some people like the thrill of the email chase but, when it comes down to actually meeting face-to-face, they are no longer so brave or interested. If there is anything to learn from online dating it is that people come to the table with infinite amounts of baggage and issues that will get you your feelings hurt in short order if you are not careful. I had counted Jonathon out of the rotation when, on Wednesday, I got what turned out to be an ominous email.

“So, Kate,” it began, “I have a couple of prerequisites and standards for dating that I am kind of picky about and I would like to clear them up before we meet.” Well, this was new. When I have talked to men about what went wrong in their failed internet dates it oftentimes involves misleading statements regarding physical appearance. I have heard time and time again that women lie about their weight and men lie about their height. This is a very broad stereotype, of course, but, in my experience, I wouldn’t say it was far from the truth, at all, which made Jonathon’s insistence on having a phone meeting before an in-person meeting all the more unusual. How very interesting. I gave him my number and he said he would call me soon.

I left work the next day, where the guy who employs me was my boyfriend for five years, to go feed the cat of another ex-boyfriend, Aaron, since he was out of town. If at all possible I try to stay on good terms with guys I have dated because it is just better that way. Some of my best friends are guys I used to date and, to me, that has always been a cool way to roll. I was sitting on Aaron’s back porch, petting his cat, when my phone rang. It was time for the Jonathon interview! Sitting on my exes’ porch! Well, this was excellent timing!

The conversation with Jonathon started out a little stiff and awkwardly but, after a few minutes, we were both kind of laughing and things got a little easier. That is, they were easier before my test started. There was a pause in the conversation, Jonathon cleared his throat and said, “So, are you ready? I have about five questions to ask you and I would like you to be able to concentrate on the answers.” What? Sorry? Had I been arrested and someone hadn’t told me? Was he about to read me my Miranda rights? Exactly five questions and they were hard enough that I would really have to mull them over? This was not going the way I had anticipated.

“Ok. First question. If you and I were seriously dating and a guy asked you to go out for dinner, would you go?” As much as Jonathon’s first question raised warning flags, it was a pretty easy answer. “If we had decided to not date other people, then, of course, I wouldn’t go,” I replied. Jonathon approved with that response and I moved on to round two. “What if he was just a friend and he wanted to go have coffee? Would you agree to that?” Uh-oh. I think I saw where this was heading.

I apparently had a jealous freak on my hands. Before I answered I really did use that concentration Jonathon thought that I needed. I could either lie to this guy and tell him what he wanted to hear which was that I would never dream of associating in any way with other men or I could tell him the truth and save us both a lot of time and pain. Hell, I had just left one-ex boyfriend’s office and had another one’s cat in my lap. The time for the truth had come. “Well, yes, if we were just friends, then, yes, I would have coffee with a guy. Not as a date, of course, but as friends. I am ok with that.”

I could tell right away that I had failed the test. Jonathon, being a good sport, gave me question number three but I could tell from his voice that he was so not going to take me up on that offer for a drink. “Well, if I told you that it was completely, and I do mean completely, unacceptable for you to see other men if I was not present, how would you feel about that? I mean, as in I would forbid it?” Hmmm, control-freak much, Jonathon? I almost lied just so, out of complete curiosity, I could see what he would possibly ask me on the next two questions. Jonathon obviously had some money he needed to spend on therapy but I was not interested going along for the ride.

“That would not be ok with me, Jonathon. I am sorry. I have guy friends and I am a trust-worthy girl so, well, that wouldn’t fly.” The phone line went absolutely silent. It appeared we had come to a bit of an impasse. “Well, Kate, it seems like our standards are extremely different and I don’t know that we would make a good match. I hope you find someone who is more like…you.” I felt like I had been insulted, and I probably had, but I didn’t notice because I was too busy thanking my lucky stars I hadn’t encountered this dude in a bar. The universe was obviously trying to tell me something and I vowed that this would be my last ‘J’ date for a long time. Lucky (?) for me there were still 25 other letters in the dating alphabet.

Published in: Uncategorized on January 12, 2011 at 5:01 am  Comments (4)