An email to Grandma:

“Just after I emailed you about Lloyd I got a text from Artie. Lord. And an invite from Wes that I met today for a date this weekend. And an email from David asking for my phone # since he lost it. Too…many…men. And Matthew called me today from New York!”

Too many men was right. I definitely needed a break from all of the dating. I couldn’t keep all of the details straight from guy to guy and that is just not very classy. Poor Wes and Jim were two new guys that, unfortunately, came along while I was getting very interested in Lloyd (entry to come), trying not to care anymore about Artie and feeling very bad about ditching Matthew while he was out of town. Even still, I am quite confident that neither of them had a chance.

At first I thought Wes was a spammer or that I was going to end up in his crawl space. He came out of nowhere. His very first email mentioned that we both lived in the same city, liked animals and were single. True, true but I have that in common with about 1500 men, right? He just so happened to be taking his dog for a walk at the dog park in ‘our’ town that evening and would love to have me join him. His eagerness was definitely not attractive but I have to admit that the thought of getting to meet someone and make a determination in less than 24 hours had an appeal. So – at the dog park we met. Wes’ dog was very cute but he was, unfortunately,  not. He was a very nice guy and very into his dog but just not for me. He went on and on about his family of oil riggers and how he had lost 75 pounds by going on a crash diet. He was a small guy (shorter than me – boo) and his jeans looked like they were going to crash to his ankles without his belt so this was a little surprising. He stopped us mid-walk to show me his old driver’s license and, yes, he had formerly been fat. I thought of mentioning that he had kind of gone a little too far in the skinny direction but thought better of it.  He was an average conversationalist but, by the time the walk was over, I didn’t want to go have a drink or extend the outing. At all. He sent me an email that night asking to meet again- for food! he eats! – but I politely declined. It was almost like Wes never happened. In my life and out in less than 24 hours.

Jim and I at least had a little bit of email contact before we met which, of course, is essential. We were both sports fans, he lived in North Seattle and we had similar reading tastes. After about the fifth email he asked if I would meet him for coffee. Jim’s profile only had one picture and it was not the clearest of shots so I got there early so he could find me upon arrival. Good thinking on my part because he looked nothing like his fuzzy picture. I thought I was meeting youngish guy in a Mariners hat and instead upper middle-age bald guy sat down with his jumbo size Mocha Frappucino. His picture apparently was taken about 15 years, 30 pounds and a lot of hair prior to our meeting. I don’t mean to sound shallow but I strongly advocate truth-in-advertising on these dating sites. It is not fair to put up old pictures or shots that are totally unrepresentative of how you look in the day-to-day. I think that is totally playing dirty. The last thing I would ever want is a guy showing up and wanting to run out the back door because I look nothing like my photos. Pleasant surprise is a much nicer alternative.

Once I got over my shock at how different he looked versus what I expected, Jim and I had a somewhat pleasant chat. He was friendly but the conversation was not flowing and I had to reach for something to talk about several times. Really reach. I was just not attracted to him in any way. He had recently gotten divorced, a detail he had omitted, and a good amount of time was spent discussing all of the ways his ex had done him wrong. There is nothing like some bitter vitriol to make someone who is kind of cute turn very ugly.  I sucked down my iced coffee as fast as I could and made up some event that I had to get to. Jim must have gotten the hint because I didn’t hear from him again.

I was slowly learning my rules of internet dating. Some kind of email conversation had to occur and more than one picture had to be viewed. Not that someone couldn’t put some good emails together while remaining a bad catch or put up more than one old, old photo but I had to start somewhere.

There is such thing as a perfect storm, when several harmless-seeming things all happen at once to make the ultimate bad situation, and that is what I had set up for the appearance of Lloyd. I had bitter Matthew still in my rearview, Artie was still randomly texting me and then Wes and Jim made me never want to meet someone on a blind date again. Lloyd came onto the scene at the absolute best, or worst, time depending on how I look at it. I was weak, I tell you, weak.

Next up: Lloyd.

Published in: on July 30, 2009 at 8:05 pm  Comments (1)